becoming my dad

truth remains through and through. the apple does not fall far from the tree. or something like that.

as my transition progresses and my father and i become friends and peers i realize that my socialization is shifting and there are a lot of red flags.  in a world where men who look like me have a shorter life expectancy and i try to become and survive with few role models, i look to the one that's always been there and remember that behind the love there are contradictions. 

the major difference between me and dad is that i'm gay and he's not.  this difference seems irrelevant when i think about how being male means being male and all the privilege and all the bullshit that comes along with that applies to me regardless of the fact that i am a gay guy in a heterosexist world.  i think a lot about essex hemphill's "conditions" series in which he challenges men, gay or straight, to fight out the misogyny which we are socialized into, and often gladly accept. 

i always write love poems about my dad.  not the incestuous kind, but the kind that praise his work and survival.  these days i think about his contradictions as well, when i find myself living in ways that may reflect his.  the biggest challenge for me right now is to acknowledge that the history of my gendering doesn't excuse my appropriation of misogyny and that it is more my responsibility to challenge misogyny within myself than anyone else's.  i am learning to be honest with myself.  to be honest with my lovers.  to let go of entitlement and really communicate. and to keep those emotions open and accessible.

so i challenge myself today, as every day, to think about language. the way my body relates to other people's bodies, and especially how i look at women; most recently though, how i build relationship with other men. relationships that seem like solidarity but that can often be based on misogynist bullshit that doesn't build positive relationships between men who challenge each other, but that are based on the exclusion of women.

grappling with power is always a challenge, but hopefully one that we are up to; or at least on that i am up to.

Comments

[Nico]

i hope i am up to the challenge as well, hermano. your words are always inspiring to me and make me check my tendencies towards self-righteousness. i really appreciate that you exist in this world, victor.

xo
nico

[Miles]

i love you so much baby. remember when i tried to hit on you on friendster?