riis

i am fiercely attracted to salt water. tonight, kind of on a whim, about an hour after my bedtime, my roomates and i decided to take a drive to riis beach. we left the house and drove quickly to the beach where soon, in the daytime, we'll find ourselves socializing with mostly naked homos of all genders.

i'm currently working on a piece about loss and the process of healing from violence and death. the last part of this three part piece deals with creating a ritual of closure for myself, and where else to find closure, but know that i will not forget, but the ocean?

it's often really difficult for me to feel progress.  and often, i find myself feeling anchored by the weight of memory and an unprocessed and underanalyzed feeling of guilt and second-guessing.  i also find myself asking water, the element, the people, all of the images that remind me of water, to loosen me from the grip of tight anchors that keep me in places where i end up feeling stagnant and trapped. 

there's nothing like the smell of salt water and the slight breeze of tide and night collision to make me feel like time is moving and with that progression, i am also moving forward, letting go but still wearing the stories and memories visibly. 

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tonight we found the big dipper and then the north star. it's amazing how much more sky there is than i can see when i look up at streetlights and tenements.

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we tried to build tiny castles in the sand, but it was too dry and too late to focus on sustainable arrangements of grains of sand.

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on our drive back we got pulled over.  i still don'tknow what the appropriate reaction should have been. but they let us go, and my heartrate has finally returned to a place where i think i may be able to fall asleep. it is already ten after three in the morning.

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i will be 24 in one week. that is irrelevant.

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i am no longer heartbroken.

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I am looking forward to when the atlantic is warm enough to jump in.