re-solving
i don't like thinking about resolutions and making plans in terms of the beginning and ending of the calendar year, but i think i'm at a good point to start making change in my own life, hope that it extends to my surroundings, enables me to have reassuring, more positive interpersonal interactions.
i guess things have been picking up since september. i started working at babeland, started testosterone, started a second year at the apartment, and in general started feeling a little less helpless and more in control [sporadically].
as i look forward, i'm trying not to focus on all the fucked up shit i want to leave behind in 2005, and focus on some positive steps i want to take toward being a happier, more focused person.
i know i want to build community for myself again, as i have been feeling incredibly isolated. trying to relearn to seek out support, whether it's institutional or interpersonal. trying to build a
community for myself that's based on making art in spaces that feel safe politically and personally. trying to learn more about my own history, about what it means to work toward specific vision, to further my political ideology and vision.
i want to be better at loving myself, removing focus on finding reassurance from others (lovers/acquaintances/etc), getting over heartbreak [and realizing that this is not an unattainable vision or goal], being more honest with myself, being emotionally vulnerable.
writing more, and painting again, building all the shit i've been storing materials for, more push ups, less silence, more crying, no excuses or explanations, more smiling, more building [of everything], more cooking.
acknowledging love. acknowledging resentment. acknowledging hate. anger. fear. joy. finding things and keeping things that make me joyful/happy.
checking myself. apologizing. changing the way i live.
knowing where i end and someone else begins. where this ends and something new begins.
talking about it. i want to talk about it. i'm afraid of it. i think this life can be possible for a lot longer, but shit! is it ever hard! i'm not afraid to admit when it's too hard. sometimes i'm afraid of what that implies. i need to be reminded that it can also imply survival.
i want to grow more plants, i want to make more books, i want to paint the walls, write the words, bring a little life to something.
i want to be on the stage in the next year, more than once.
and i want to swim and run and climb.
xo
victor
i'm tagging you, corazon...
http://nicoelrico.blogspot.com/2006/01/thank-fucking-god-for-prompt.html
Posted by: Nico | January 19, 2006 08:07 AM