on my masculinity etc.

i will grapple with masculinity and what it means to ID as male for the rest of my life.  and i will continue to challenge my socialization thru and by misogyny every day of my life. there are so many stories that need not be recreated, cycles to disrupt. how do i inhabit space? what types of relationships am i building? what do i expect from people? who do i sexualize? who do i desire? why? what do i allow myself to feel? what truths about myself do i silence?

in coming out as trans, and then in deciding to start T, i looked for answers from other transguys around me, writings from the academy, the lives of non-trans men i've lived with and in the same communities as my whole life.  i don't think anything could have prepared me.  and i wonder what more i'll discover as days/years pass and i am read as male, Brown, faggot, femmy in more and more spaces.

i grapple with violence. the more i pass as male, the more i see how my interactions with women change. i understand the need for me to challenge bullshit in myself, be willing to be called out, be willing to be quiet and listen. i am afraid of transmasculine spaces. spaces that sometimes make me wonder if i've become part of some secret society that believes femininity and femaleness are concepts and realities to fear and be protected from. i crave trans community, but i also need communities that are accountable to all members and i can't really wrap my head around the concept of a community that challenges gender-oppression, but excludes women. that doesn't make sense to me. 

when i am on the street i am a Brown man. regardless of whether or not i identify as a man, that is how i am perceived. and that is how people interact with me.  one of the most difficult things for me is being treated with caution.  it's this fear that i am going to hurt someone, or that i am a sexual predator, or that i will react violently. violence. this is what i don't want to internalize.  i know i have to challenge the violence that is supported in me, but also not internalize violence that is EXPECTED from me as a male-identified Latino.  i have experienced violence on so many levels and have worked persitently to resist violence around me and to not be a perpretator. racist definitions of my perceived gender permeate my interactions with white people. i feel like i need to leave. i wonder why they are afraid. why they cross the street, speed up, turn corners suddenly.

i have never been afraid to display femininity. i am femmy. and i am queer. a queer boy. i am a big flaming faggot. the other night i was walking home after work and some young guys followed me down the street for a while talking about how much of a faggot i am and how they wanted to beat my ass and see how much i really like getting it in the ass. people have always said fucked up shit to me because of being queer regardless of what they perceive my gender to be, but this time i was particularly afraid. i was afraid of the ways in which boys are socialized to hate femininity and queerness in other boys. the entitlement we have to hurt each other, the knowledge that i could and would not call the police, that there are no systems of accountability here that challenge us to stop hurting each other. that we are socialized to hate each other on so many different levels. fear that i would be hurt, killed. fear that my body would be exposed, that i would be recognized as something other than male, that i would be humiliated, subjected to other kinds of hate, more violence. prayers and affirmations replaying in my head. i will not be afraid of my people. legacies of survival. too many close calls too often.

everyday will bring new lessons, and i hope i can see them all. there is so much for me to learn. i don't want my understanding of my gender to change because of the ways in which my body is changing, but i do want to continue to challenge how my body survives and builds with people around me. 

Comments

[Jennyrose]

this post fuels even more my desire and excitement to get to know you better every day, Victor. and thanks for the conversation the other day -- it is invaluable to know people who get it.

xoxo

[Mickey]

hey - just wanted to let you know that this post sparked a lot of thinking for me, and that i so much appreciate the clarity and thoughtfulness with which you approach this stuff. all that is to say: thank you so much.

mickey.

[Nico]

hi victor,

i just read this post again. i just want to say that this world is blessed to have you in it. and i'm glad that we've been getting to be friends.

love,
nico

[Miles]

i don't know you but i want to.